Ten Ways to Ensure You Don’t Get Hired

Want to help out total strangers by letting them have that job for which you applied? Do you enjoy living in your mom’s basement eating Hot Pockets? Have you decided to move to Berkeley and live in a van down by the river?

Then here are ten ways to assure you don’t get hired.

Send a resume that gets noticed! No, not by clearly laying out your qualifications, silly. Print it on thick pink paper, with a piece of candy tied with a ribbon in one corner. And clip a photo of yourself to it, maybe that great Halloween costume shot from last year. Human resources managers love that kind of thing. They’ll eat the candy, show to photo around the office for mockery, and then file your resume — in the round file.

Ignore directions. The company may ask for your resume in a certain file format, or ask that your cover letter be a separate file. They may instruct you to send a writing sample, or just a link to your online portfolio. Whatever they ask you to do — they don’t mean it. Just do what’s convenient for you. You can be certain they’ll interview people who know how to follow instructions. And not you.

Call the employer every day. There’s nothing a human resources manager enjoys more than a job applicant who won’t leave them alone. Calling every day, even when asked to not call, tells the employer you are (1) motivated, (2) annoying and (3) possibly a psychopath.

Lie about your education and qualifications. Of course you’ve been through Harvard — by car! Yes, Denzel Washington is one of your references — you got his autograph back when he was on St. Elsewhere! Sure, you can operate 80-ton capacity rail crane with 5000kg chain hoists — how hard could it be? And there’s no way to check these things, right? Right?

Be late for the interview. The employer gets it — bad traffic, car trouble, bus was late, your water broke. No problem! Why should you be constrained by a repressive white male idea of linear time, anyway? You made yourself look bad next to all the employees who arrived punctually, but I’m sure that won’t hurt your chances.

Dress like a teenager for the interview. It tells the employer you’re fun! And I’m sure “fun” is eaxctly what they’re looking for in a new employee.

Go into details about your personal life and hobbies. Seriously, it’s an all new Klan nowadays. It’s like the Rotary Club, but with hoods. We even have black members! Well… members named “Black.”

Learn nothing about the company. That way you’re a fresh slate, a tabula rasa if you will. Employment is like being on a jury — the less you know, the better.

Badmouth your old company. Everyone enjoys humorous stories about how terrible your old job was. I’m sure the new employer won’t assume you’d badmouth their firm behind their back.

And if you do somehow manage to get hired, call in sick your first day. Just let them know you were feeling a bit woozy and decided to stay in bed. Don’t call in sick too early — around 11 or 11:30am should be fine.

Good luck not getting hired! See you in the dole queue!