Here’s another wonderful Internet meme: what all those cliched phrases in job ads really mean to say.
Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload: You whine, you’re fired.
Apply In Person: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
Career-Minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Casual Work Atmosphere: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
College Degree Preferred: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Theology. (Or, like me, Medieval Iceland. Seriously.)
Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Entry-Level Position In An Up-And-Coming Company: You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
Flexible Hours: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they really mean, and do it.
Immediate Opening: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
Join Our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Must Be Deadline Oriented: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Must Have An Eye For Detail: We have no quality control.
Nationally Recognized Leader: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
No Phone Calls Please: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem-Solving Skills A Must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Profit-Sharing Plan: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
Requires Team Leadership Skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Got any definitions of your own? Let us know in the comments!What That Job Ad Really Means to Say by Erik Even