Humor: Some Special Requests from Your Administrative Assistant

If you’re important enough at your firm top score your own administrative assistant, you’re very lucky. But is your administrative assistant?

Here are the requests your assistant wants to make, but dares not:

Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

Do your best to make me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, please keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

Don’t ever ask me to lunch. I love it when you run off for a three-martini binge at noon, while I munch on dry ramen at my desk.

If you have any job responsibilities you don’t enjoy, just delegate them to me. In fact, why don’t I just do your job, at one-third of your pay? Then you can sit on your ass all day and play fantasy football.

If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic, and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured in a luge competition.

If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I’m hoping if I concentrate hard enough, I’ll become psychic.

If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm, and then bring it to me. Better yet, wait until Friday.

Never introduce me to the people. When you refer to them later, I’ll rely on my psychic powers again.

Tell me all your personal problems. No one else has any, and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about you having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Got any more secret requests for your manager? Let us know in the comments.