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Top 4 Things Losers Do on Their Résumés

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Don't Make These Common Mistakes on Your Resume

Summary: Make sure none of these 4 things people do on their résumés happen to you.

1. Typos and Grammar Slips

  • “Suspected to graduate early next year.”
  • “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
  • “Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
  • “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
  • “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
  • “I am a rabid typist.”
  • “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
  • “Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
  • “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
  • “Accounting cleric.”
  • “As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.”
  • “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
  • “Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”

2. Too Much Information

  • “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
  • “P.S. If you hire me away from this nightmare, you’ll also save me thousands in therapy.”
  • “Marital Status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”
  • “Geographic Preferences: A dry climate averaging 75 degrees, light breezes okay.”
  • “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
  • “I procrastinate—especially when the job is unpleasant.”
  • “Personal interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”
  • “References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
  • “Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head.”
  • “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”
  • “Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.”
  • “Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.”
  • “Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.”
  • “Frequent lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351, Standing Ovations: 5, Number of Audience Questions: 30.”

3. Bad Humor

  • “Title: Another resume from the ‘Profiles in Excellence’ series.”
  • “Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house.”
  • “Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it.”
  • “Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting.” (Translation: Short-order cook.)
  • “But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
  • “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
  • “My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’—and I like your company in particular.”
  • “Trustworthy references available upon request—if I give them a few bucks.”
  • “Let’s meet so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over my experience.”

4. What are you? Stupid?!?

  • “Fired because I fought for lower pay.”
  • “Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
  • “Please disregard the enclosed resume—it is terribly out of date.”
  • “Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.”
  • “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
  • “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
  • “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
  • “Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.”
  • “Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.”
  • “Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”
Top 4 Things Losers Do on Their Résumés by
Authored by: Harrison Barnes