Top 4 Things Losers Do on Their Résumés
Post Views 16Summary: Make sure none of these 4 things people do on their résumés happen to you.
1. Typos and Grammar Slips
- “Suspected to graduate early next year.”
- “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
- “Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
- “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
- “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
- “I am a rabid typist.”
- “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
- “Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
- “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
- “Accounting cleric.”
- “As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.”
- “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
- “Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”
2. Too Much Information
- “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
- “P.S. If you hire me away from this nightmare, you’ll also save me thousands in therapy.”
- “Marital Status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”
- “Geographic Preferences: A dry climate averaging 75 degrees, light breezes okay.”
- “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
- “I procrastinate—especially when the job is unpleasant.”
- “Personal interests: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”
- “References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
- “Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head.”
- “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”
- “Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.”
- “Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.”
- “Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.”
- “Frequent lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351, Standing Ovations: 5, Number of Audience Questions: 30.”
3. Bad Humor
- “Title: Another resume from the ‘Profiles in Excellence’ series.”
- “Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house.”
- “Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it.”
- “Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting.” (Translation: Short-order cook.)
- “But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
- “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
- “My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’—and I like your company in particular.”
- “Trustworthy references available upon request—if I give them a few bucks.”
- “Let’s meet so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over my experience.”
4. What are you? Stupid?!?
- “Fired because I fought for lower pay.”
- “Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
- “Please disregard the enclosed resume—it is terribly out of date.”
- “Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.”
- “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
- “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
- “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
- “Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.”
- “Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.”
- “Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”